yup yup.. since a long time i blog... i know... i'm too lazy... last few weeks have been quite emotional for me. Firstly i would like to apologise to all my friends and teammates... sorry for losing my temper at you guys... i'm so sorry gomen.
For the last two weeks and maybe up till now, i've been feeling a little down. More like depressed again. I keep thinking that i'm just useless... cos i'm just not doing things rite... i keep sleeping cos i'm so tired. Can't study well for my exams. Can't finish my homework. Can't understand my work. and a little else more. I couldn't stand myself. In fact, i was fighting against myself.
No one to teach me my math... but i don't want any tuition. i believe i was more than just a shell and a brain... i know i can find out answers for myself... like wad i've been doing all my life... alone. Homework was piling up, i knew i could do it, but ended up sleeping cos my body couldn't take the fatigue anymore. My tennis was even worse. It seemed that i lack the concentration and ability to analyse the game on court while playing. I felt as if i wasn't the player that i once were, the player who tried to prove to everyone that even strong players are human.
I lost confidence there. When i lost my confidence, i lost my faith. When i lost my faith, i'm a different person all together from the one my friends know. I lost myself. I was close to giving up and not coming to skool... in fact, to be frank, i was close to stepping across the thin line that divides sanity and insanity. I just keep hearing voices in my head saying that i'm lousy or i'm useless... its hard to shut them out sometimes. they just keep coming... i hear them... like 2 years ago... or 6 years ago... sometimes i really scare myself... i start imagining all sorts of damage i could do. All sorts
Fortunately, i've come back again. Its ok. I'm back. not probbie. haha. I'm trying to block out most of the thoughts out. I guess not able to feel again does have its advantages. Maybe i should not feel again. It might make things like the way they were. But can things really return the way they were? cos the last time i remembered, the girl who i saw in the mirror never inspired anyone, made no significance, never dared to lead...
Humans are really an interesting bunch. They possess emotions, all of them. Sometimes emotions get the better of them. Some act on impulse. Some dun even know the true meaning of emotions. Its the pros and cons of emotional beings.
As for I, honestly, I grew up not experiencing or knowing much emotions. Happy, joy,sadness, fear, i know them. Anger, jealousy, shock, grief, depressed... i lack the understanding and feeling of them.
Sometimes i dunno why ppl throw a fit, "why do they get angry? Wad's anger anyway?". "Jealousy? I think someone decribed something like that to me b4... have i felt that way? maybe... but i dun remember..."
Somehow, i was brought up to be patient and temperless. Once i threw a tantrum, i was punished, and that'll be the last time that emotion was shown. Thats how i learn not to feel. Pain was nothing.
i came across the lyrics of this song just now, SOUSHI ~UMUKUTOU~, a Tezuka Kunimitsu image song from Prince of Tennis. Its from http://www.tsubame-gaeshi.com, translated by Ri-chan. Its a really short song where the begining reminded me of this old cantonese song "Rong yi shou shang de nu ren"[mandrin title.. dun ask me why].
Translation:
"Even if swept away by the waves of people, I will make it through
even if there's no shore in sight.
Leaning on my memories, I feel alone in time.
And then one day from the light streaming through the trees
I could hear your voice.
It was so warm that it was almost like air
I felt like I could smile.
Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up
is the same thing as letting yourself rely on someone.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
The endlessly steaming down
preparation of the summer touched my hair
On the tracks of my dreams that have passed me by
What is it that I want, I think to myself.
And then one day, your shadow
blurred into the dusk.
I chased your hazy voice.
I felt like my feelings would reach you.
Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up
is the same thing as letting yourself rely on someone.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up
is the same thing as letting yourself rely on someone.
It's the same thing, isn't it?"
Reminded me of many things that happened in the past... at some stage of my life, mainly secondary skool, i felt like crying.
"Feeling that you want to cry until your tears have all dried up" I did. No matter how i tried, i couldn't scream, i couldn't cry. Nothing came out. I smiled while my heart cried.
"rely on someone" I'm stubborn and i dun understand wad i'm feeling... i go on alone... no one listens, the only one i relied on, the only one i trusted, the only one i seeked help from, i finally realised, was myself.
Sometimes i feel as if i'm 2 persons in 1. One side tries to save the other. while the other sinks deeper and deeper... struggling in darkness to reach the "hazy voice", hanging on. I knew that if i couldn't hear myself anymore, i might lose my insanity. All would be lost. At certain nights, i would stay up and stare at the moon from my window. It made me think "How can something stay so bright even in darkness? So bright that it even gives light in the darkness?" I dunno. i just din know. Then another side of me came up. challenging myself to stay sane. I was thinking, "If insane's the path i'm going, lets speed it up.", "Dying is easy. Living, on the other hand, makes the process of death all the more interesting and fun." Reverse pychology does wonders especially when an person has lost her insanity and wishes to kill herself... the more suffering, the better... cos useless ppl are nothing, so suffering is the punishment for being useless. Dying ends the suffering which thus ends my punishment for being useless. I tot the fear of pain only made me weaker. The dead never feel any pain. At times, i would pain myself just to know that i'm still alive. Why? cos the dead can't feel pain. So i live. As i said: "I can never die"
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