The friendlies match with UWC is finally over. I would personally like to thank the girls and guys of JJ's tennis team, as well as the players from UWC for such a splendid game. I would also like to thank kian sen for being a good mixed doubles partner. So sorry for my mistakes in the court. I would also like to thank my friends who were rooting for me too. haha but to tell you the truth i had fun playing the game with ya, 5-4 ain't a bad score considering its the first time i'm playing doubles with you. haha. Its ok that we lost. At least we gained experience against other teams and played with someone with a super fast serve! ;p
I played singles 1 like the previous time. This time i lost. My first lost in such a long time. 5-2. I felt happy strangely... in fact i enjoyed the match cos i finally get to play with someone who is so strong! I feel thrilled whenever i play with such people. The mixed emotions of fear and determination just overwhelms me to become something that i just yearn sometimes just to know that i am alive... all the more i want to battle in the game... all the more i want to win... i the more i wanna to defeat... win thyslef... defeat myself... defeat my fears....
However, at the same time, I was feeling quite sad. Yea... hard to fight it. I dun wanna be sad today. Its hard to fight the emotion really. I kept thinking "It was a great game. A game like this doesn't come often... not just yet..." On the other hand, I kept thinking about the times I ran my lungs out just to catch the flatshot ball on the court today. The time where I know i could do it but I just couldn't move because i am too slow and because i could hardly breathe. Yes, I'm still sick. I was coughing at court and could hardly make a fast sprint like i could do as usual. Its disappointing but i couldn't bring myself to give up. Though i feel so alone on the court, I can't help knowing that I'm not fighting this alone. Whenever i look over to the other end of the court. All i could see are my teammates watching, rooting. I cant lose. I really want to win it badly for them. I always tell them "Its alright to lose so as long as you know your mistakes and never make them again.", "Never give up, even in the darkest moments...", and more often than not "Cool down, cos you won't be able to focus if you're angry.". I just couldn't let myself show much emotions of anger or disappointment... all i could do was laugh and smile... all i could do was fight on.... with the kind of physical strength which i couldn't even hole the racket properly with... with the kinda lungs that are choked up with mucus...
Finally when i lost, it was really a happy look on my face, shaking hands, telling my opponent, "you're strong! good game, nice playing with ya!" I felt like crying when i got back... two reasons why: 1) i was really very tired... so tired that i could hardly stand after i sat down to drink. 2) I felt i let them down by not winning... more importantly, I keep feeling that i lost to myself... lost to my own physical strength...
Yet the tears couldn't flow... I couldn't let them. I couldn't let them see my tears. I swore to myself never to cry after losing to a strong opponent. I always told my teammates not to cry after losing to a strong opponent. only if they lost to themselves could they really cry, cos they deserve it. Yet when i got back, still bouncing [to me it was senseless] some of my teammates and my junior told me that I was their idol! I tot how could it be? I just lost a bloody battle because I went to war knowing that i was sick... They said they liked the way i was able to keep my temper cool and still be happy even at the darkest moments. Another reason i guess was that i didn't give up not one bit even in the darkest moments. I was touched by their words, really. Cos, as i've mentioned in one previous blog entry, I was just a person who would not make a difference in anyone's lives... if i died, i would just fade away and not even memories would keep me. What i hope they would understand is that, I was afraid. I really hope they understand that no one is free from fear but then again, no one is left to die when their scared. Fear can be defeated... just like what i have done for matches before this. Those with Jenna, Grace, huimin... even when i was playing 2 against 1 match... i was afraid... but it was because i was afraid that i felt alone... i dun wan to be alone... i've always been alone.... or least i've always felt alone... to me, to succumb to fear is weak, but to break it, thats gotta one hell of a courage.... and i'm not going to lose this courage, cos its mine to keep and no one shall have it... if lonliness is to follow me, the least favour i could do is never walk out on myself
Ulgh... the whole week i was feeling just cold in the joints and shoulders. Thurs was the worst, yes, the worst. Felt really tired and sleepy and aching. Nevertheless, i still went for tennis. Not much of a problem till my arm and shoulder started aching. Fine no probb till the next morning came when i had fever. =_=;; ARGH!! I didn't study for the whole of fri [public hol.]. I felt terrible! Went to the doc today, he said its... duhduhduh!!! VIRUS! -faints- no antibiotics. doushite??!! Why viral of all things?!
ehem *back to earth* ok. Viral ain't that bad maybe.
Grace messaged me today to tell me there's friendlies with UWC. YAY another friendlies! Can't wait. CHOTTO MATTE! I'm sick with virus! *kneels to sky* DOUSHITE?!!
sniff sniff. k. i shall go study my work. sniff. Ja~
New year... new beginnings... new stuff. yes... first day at skool on monday, ms goh threatened to take tennis away if i did badly... ^_<
first things first, tests are coming round the darn corner [i begining to hate corners now] and i'm so tired. Can't seem to get enough of sleep since my bed became so soft and pillow, flat. well i guess i'm beginning to hate corners and not get sleep.
New stuff: yup. New bruises after every tennis training... keep hitting myself on the knee on shin... got 2 big ones from backflipping of the bed into the wrong corner[corners again.] and dropped off at the wrong point. Got one on my knee from volleying and hitting myself again...worst part was the ball went into the net... gah... [Note to myself: "Focus on the ball. Dun panic." Note to my opponents: "You did not read the last sentence i just typed, spefically the 'note to myself'"].
Things i wanna do this year:
1. Write out my own notes.
2. Create my own timetable [i'm thinking its gonna fail]
3. Learn how to slice the ball. [If this fails, i'll use knives]
4. Learn smashes.
5. Practice my service.
6. Try not to injure myself be it ankle, knee, shoulder, back etc. [to ppl reading this, dun think of using this to your advantge.]
7. Train my stupid useless hopeless stamina.
8. Stop sleeping with eyes open during lecture.
9. Stop jumping around [might just sprain ankle again.]
10. Love everyone around me even more. Dun take them for granted.
Yup. list is long but fingers are tired. But basically, i'm so happy to be back at skool. Missed everyone such as my classmates, friends and teachers. To my wonderful weird, unique and funny teammates: I see y'all like every other day of the week, wad you want me to miss? Dun think of asking me to miss the ball, neither do you think of missing it too... its pity and costly. Dun call me muthu or i'll charge interest for buying drinks. Work hard PLay hard! All the way to more fun and laughter! Muax.
thats about it. Ja~ till next time!
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